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Things I Learned As A Parent Last Week

October 9, 2018Posted in dad jokes, Parenting, Parenting Humour, Parenting Problems, Parenting TipsTagged Parenting Humor2 Comments

1. Last weekend I made slime for the first time.

2. Last weekend I made slime for the last time.

3. You know you’re a parent when you start whispering “for fuck’s sake” every time someone calls your name.

4. I say “I don’t know” a lot when I do in fact ‘know’ a lot.

5. If at first you don’t succeed, take a deep breath and ask them another 249 times.

6. Your spouse won’t start an argument with you if you’re cleaning.

7. I’m now at the stage where I’m getting up at the time I used to go to bed at on weekends.

8. It’s easier to play Jenga on a bus than it is to push a buggy with one hand.

9. Before remarking “he’s gone down well tonight” always check that the baby monitor is turned on.

10. We teach our kids not to lie but then 30 seconds later we tell them their picture is great

11. If you yell “what are you up to?” and your children say “nothing” that’s code for “you better get off your fat a** and check on us”.

12. Myself and the kids are never more nervous than when we insist we can’t find something and my wife goes to look for it herself.

13. You haven’t really been patronised until a 7yo hugs you and starts patting you on the back.

14. You don’t need fun to have alcohol.

15. If you make eye contact with a child on the verge of sleep you’re f**ked.

16. My toddler’s superpower is to eat half a banana and make it disappear

17. I miss the days of skipping pages when readinga story to my kids.

18. ‘Who’s poo is this?’ is something I say now.

19. My wife calls it yelling. I call it motivational speaking.

20. The grass is often greener because it’s fake.

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tks
DD

Conversations With Kids – pt 1

September 6, 2018September 6, 2018Posted in dad jokes, Kids, Parenting, Parenting HumourLeave a comment

Random conversations I’ve had with my 4yo and 6yo boys.

Me: So boys are you excited about school on Thursday?
4yo: I am
6yo: Not really
Me: Oh. Why?
6yo: Well I’m excited to meet my friends but not about the work.
Me: But you have to work. School is where you learn and the more you learn the better you’ll become at things and hopefully then you can be anything you want to be. You want to be an Astronaut don’t you?
6yo: Well maybe, i haven’t decided yet
Me: And Reilly (4yo) you want to be a fire fighter don’t you?
4yo: No not anymore.
Me: Oh yeah? What do you want to be?
4yo: An evil dentist.

*I almost crashed the car*

4yo: Dad! Dad!
Me: What?
4yo: Come here. I need you.
Me: I’m doing something. What is it?
4yo: Please you have to come here right now.
Me: OK hold on.
* runs upstairs.
Me: Right what is it.
4yo: Look at how big the poo is that I just made

4yo: Dad can i have a ham and cheese sandwich but I don’t want any ham ok?
Me: Ok so just a cheese sandwich?
4yo (nodding): But can I have the cheese separate?
Me: Ok…so you just want a slice of cheese and some bread??
4yo: Yes but with no butter on the bread ok dad?. That new butter is yucky.
Me: Grand. Here you go.
4yo: But can I have a cheese string?
Me:So you just want a plain slice of bread and a cheese string?
4yo: Yes.
Me: Yes what?
4yo: Please
Me: But you can get them yourself. You don’t need me to do if for you.
4yo: But I’m tired. I need you to help me dadda

*Dadda my ar*e. He never calls me that unless he wants something the lazy toad*

4yo: “Dad, i’m going to live with you in our house forever and ever and ever”
Me:
Me: “Never joke about that again, do you hear?”

4yo: Dad?
Me: Yep.
4yo: What’s for dinner later?
Me: Spaghetti Bolognese
4yo: Ok. Can you cook it so that it tastes like Chicken Nuggets?
Me: Yeah sure, that’s exactly what I’ll do.

4yo: “When I grow up I want a husband like Mummy”.
6yo: “No Mum isn’t a husband. Mum is a wife. Dad is a husband”.
4yo: “Well i want a wife like Mummy then” .
6yo: “Me too but she would have to like Ninja Turtles”.
4yo: “Yea my wife has to like Paw Patrol too”.
[a communal pause and back they went to playing]

6yo: Dad can you tell me a word that doesn’t contain any vowels.
Me: Why
6yo: For school
Me: Why
6yo: For school i said.
Me: Why
6yo: FOR SCHOOL
Me: Why
6yo : FOR..*walks away angry and asks his mum*.

ENROUTE TO SCHOOL.
6yo: Dad?
Me: Yep.
6yo: How do you know that man?
Me: Huh? What are you talking about? Who? What man?
6yo: You called that driver Dick.
Me: Oh right. Eh, don’t mind that, he’s just an old school friend.

6yo: Dad?
Me: Yeah
6yo: Do sheep shrink in the rain?
Me: What do you mean?
6yo: Well. Mummy gave out to you because her wool jumper got smaller in the wash.
Me: Oh right. Yes, well wool shrinks if you wash it incorrectly. Daddy made a mistake.
6yo: So do sheep not shrink in the rain then?
Me: No the wool protects them and keeps them warm. They don’t shrink.
6yo: So do they not turn pink either.
Me: Well that was another mistake. Listen here comes Mummy, lets talk about something else….so how was school today?
6yo: Good.

6yo: “Dad, when will i be a grown up?”
Me: “When you have a drawer full of grocery bags within grocery bags and a bag/box full of new and used batteries”

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THINGS I LEARNED AS A PARENT LAST YEAR (Part 2)

January 4, 2018January 6, 2018Posted in Being a Dad, dad jokes, Newborn, Parenting, Parenting Humour, UncategorizedTagged Being A Parent, Boys, Dad, digital dad, fatherhood, Funny, Kids, Lego, Mental Health, Motherhood, Parenting, ThoughtsLeave a comment

1. 90% of eating with your kids in a restaurant is preventing them from (1) putting food in their drinks or (2) spilling their drinks.

2. ‘Dad, why don’t you let the radio sing instead?’, was just cruel and unnecessary.

3. Trying to open a Capri Sun without it squirting out is one of parenting’s toughest challenges

4. Wearing a Halloween Mask in bed has been a great way to stop our kids from wanting to sleep in our bed at night.

5. You don’t know creepy until you’ve had a child stand over you at 3am and whisper ‘Bunny says he doesn’t like you”. #TimeToChangeTheUndies.

6. Did you know that blueberries can pass through a baby’s digestive system fully intact? Same goes for sweetcorn, carrots, potatoes…

7. One of the best sounds you’ll ever hear is your partner and kids in fits of laughter in the next room.

8. . That said, hearing Thing 1 (5) ‘teaching’ and explaining something to his younger brother (3) makes everything in my world completely insignificant.

9. Son: “DAAAD I only asked you to hold my ice cream”.
Me: “Yes and that was a mistake. Now you must learn from it..

10. The one thing I have in common with our baby is we both cry when our bottles are empty.

11. 6yo: “Daddy what does neglect mean?”
Me: Sssh I’m watching the golf.

12. “I want a snack” – my 4yo when he’s eating.

13. Nothing halts having fun with your kids quicker than when one of them grabs your glasses.

14. We teach our kids not to lie and then 30 seconds later tell them that their picture is excellent.

15. Before i had kids i thought only perverts sniffed underwear.

16. If you yell “what are you up to” and your kids say “nothing” that’s kid code for “you better get off your fat a** and check on us”

17. Always double-check the garden after you’ve had a party because seeing a 3 year old chew on a cigarette butt is all sorts of wrong.

18. If you want to see a full-blown meltdown, give a boy a girl’s party bag by ‘mistake’.

19. Always make sure that your son is looking into the toilet (or even at the toilet) when you offer to have a ‘wee wee’ sword fight with them. #DadsWillUnderstand

20. I’ve been present at 3 births (right hand is still fractured) but nothing compares to the facial expressions of a toddler trying to squeeze out a poo.

21. Sunday bedtime is usually when my kids like to discuss quantum physics

22. It’s also the time when my kids ‘need to finish’ their homework.

23. …and it’s also the time when I tend to lose my sh*t.

24. I only bring my kids to the library so that I can get some peace and quiet.

25. I’m never more nervous than when I insist we’re out of something and my wife goes to look for it herself.

26. You haven’t really been patronised until a 6yo hugs you and starts patting you on the back

27. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make my 3yo wipe his own arse.

28. Its weird how 6 glasses of water seems impossible but 6 glasses of wine can be done in one sitting.

29. ‘No I’ll do it myself’ is the reason i’ll never be on time for anything ever again.

30. ‘Really. Wow that’s mad’ – things I say when i’m not listening to my kids (or wife)

31. If bottled bath water was a thing, my kids would drink it by the gallon.

32. Even if my privates were on fire my kids would walk into the room and ask me for a snack.

33. 4yo: I don’t like it, it’s too spicy.
Me: IT’S A YOGURT

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Digital Dad: Things I learned As A Parent Last Week

January 3, 2018Posted in Being a Dad, dad jokes, daddy, Kids, Newborn, Parenting, Parenting TipsTagged Boys, Dad, Joke, Kids, Parenting, ThoughtsLeave a comment

From Russian roulette to Santa bribes, here are 27 things that I learned as a parent over the past few weeks…

1.It only took two phone calls to Santa this morning to get the boys ready for school. Result.

2. Everywhere is a potential bed if you try hard enough.

3. Nobody is better at Hide-and-Seek than my wife when she hands me the kids after I walk in the door from work.

4. YAAAAY bath time.

10 mins of tactical negotiations to get the kids into the bath.

5 mins of screaming about how hot the water is (it’s not).

1 min of fighting about which end of the bath my 4yo & 6yo want

3 mins of screaming about getting shampoo in their eyes (I didn’t )

5 mins of laughing as all 3 do farts in the bath- 2 mins of panic while we realise that Thing 3 (our toddler) ‘sharted’ not farted

2 mins of ‘full monty’ dancing

3 mins of post evacuation chasing of Thing 1 & Thing 2 in order to get them dry and dressed.

Parenting (with clean kids). So much fun.

5. My toddler should write a book called “Why one sock is better than two”.

6. My 4yo should write a book called “Why I never wait for the sun to come up”.

7. My 6yo should write a book called “Why I want to be a Lego Master Builder”.

8. *from upstairs to downstairs*

4yo: “DAAAAD. I got poo in my hair”

Me: “That’s not possible. Go to sleep”

Turns out it is possible. #ByeByePillow

9. “Noooo I want to do it, I want to do it. I said I WANTED TO DO IT” – my 4yo’s nightmare last night, presumably about traffic light buttons.

10. If you’re ever concerned about your kid’s hearing, just open a bag of crisps from another room.

11. it’s always fun to find a mushed up banana stuffed between your ‘no longer new’ couch.

12. Conjunctivitis.com – now there’s a site for sore eyes. #DadJoke

13. Parenting Russian Roulette – Undressing a standing toddler and removing the nappy not knowing if anything will fall out or slide down. I lost

14. Asking your kids to clean up their toys while you hold a large black bin liner is EXTREMELY effective. Try it.

15. It’s slowly dawning on me that the only way I’m going to ever use a gym is if I go to prison.

16. DING DONG.

Sales Caller: “Oh…..Hello there. Is your Mummy or Daddy there?”

4yo: “No”…while slowly closing door.

Sales Caller: *puzzled look*

Me: *feeling proud (as I hide) that he executed it perfectly*

#WitchingHour #GoAway #WorstTimeToCall

17. I can’t believe I was naive enough to think “a soft play centre will never see a cent of my money”

18. School photos; because who needs money to buy groceries this week.

19. My kids have reached that stage where they blame their farts on their mum now. Is it bad that I’m somewhat proud that they’ve reached this milestone?

20. Last Saturday my 4yo son took off his shoes, top and jeans and stood in a display shower in Homebase while waving at customers.

21. Meanwhile, my 6yo dressed up in full Nerf ‘combat’ gear yesterday just to kill a bug. I swear I could hear the bug p***ing himself…laughing.

22. If you’re bored, a fun thing to do is tell your kids that it’s time for bed, and repeat it again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and….you get the picture

23. “Ugh. I’m not eating that, it’s yucky” he says about tiny bruise on banana.

The same can’t be said for a stringy snot however (as I type ‘n’ wretch)

#OurFourYearOld

24. Cleaning your house is pointless if your children are going to continue living there.

25. I thought I was a normal person until my 4yo son asked me if “I’d eat a bowl of dog poo for 3 million euro pound money”

26. Never ever lose instructions for a newly bought Lego spaceship. #SundayRuined

27. I’m thinking of setting up a ‘Nap Club’. It’ll be kinda like a book club just without the books or the talking.

Let me know if you’re interested – SIGN UP HERE

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Best,

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Digital Dad: 25 Unapologetic Dad Jokes

January 2, 2018Posted in dad jokes, Parenting, Parenting HumourTagged Dad, dad jokes, digital dad, Parenting TipsLeave a comment

I scoured the interweb and found a few cringe-worthy dad jokes that made me laugh. Hopefully, they’ll give you a giggle too…

1. My best mate David lost his ID. So now I call him Dav.

2. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It’s okay. The teacher woke him up

3. To the person that invented zero. Thanks for nothing.

4. I was playing chess with my friend and he said “let’s make this interesting”.

So we stopped playing…

5. What kind of lights did Noah use on his Ark? Floodlights.

6 What do you call a bear with no ears?

B

7. I always bring an extra pair of socks when I go golfing. Just in case I get a hole in one.

8. Why was the Lego man sick?

He had a blocked nose.

10. The future, the present and the past walked into a room. Things got very tense.

11. Did you hear about the paper joke?

Never mind it’s tearable.

12. I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey. Then I turned myself around.

13. I hate when people ask me where I see myself in 3 years.

It’s not like I have 2020 vision.

14. Don’t spell part backwards…it’s a trap.

15. A man is washing his car with his son.

The son asks, “Dad why can’t you use a sponge instead?”

16. What do you call a donkey with three legs? Wonkey

17. My neighbour knocked on my door at 2.30am.

Luckily I was still up playing my drums.

18. Did you hear the joke about unemployed people? Never mind, it doesn’t work.

19. I was walking down the road yesterday when somebody threw a block of cheese out a window.

That’s not very mature I said…

20. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer.

21. What do you call a singing computer?

A Dell

22. What do you call a tower that can’t stand? The Eiffel Tower

23. Son: “Dad I’m cold”

Dad: “Stand in the corner of the room”

Son: “Uh. why?”

Dad: “Because it’s 90 degrees.”

24. Did you hear about the new movie ‘constipation’? It hasn’t come out yet.

25. When does a dad joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.

That’s all folks

If you have any dad jokes that you think can make my list, feel free to let me know below.

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Fathers Know Best – Epic Dad Fails

January 2, 2018January 2, 2018Posted in Being a Dad, dad jokes, Parenting, Parenting Humour, Parenting ProblemsTagged dad fails, digital dad, fatherhood, Parenting Humour, superdadLeave a comment

Becoming a father doesn’t always mean growing up, hence It’s often acknowledged that leaving dad at home alone with the kids is just asking for trouble!

In advance of Father’s Day, check out some of these images and videos from the web that prove an unsupervised dad plus a bunch of small children can often result in some terrible yet funny ideas.