Things I Learned As A Parent Last Week

1. Last weekend I made slime for the first time.

2. Last weekend I made slime for the last time.

3. You know you’re a parent when you start whispering “for fuck’s sake” every time someone calls your name.

4. I say “I don’t know” a lot when I do in fact ‘know’ a lot.

5. If at first you don’t succeed, take a deep breath and ask them another 249 times.

6. Your spouse won’t start an argument with you if you’re cleaning.

7. I’m now at the stage where I’m getting up at the time I used to go to bed at on weekends.

8. It’s easier to play Jenga on a bus than it is to push a buggy with one hand.

9. Before remarking “he’s gone down well tonight” always check that the baby monitor is turned on.

10. We teach our kids not to lie but then 30 seconds later we tell them their picture is great

11. If you yell “what are you up to?” and your children say “nothing” that’s code for “you better get off your fat a** and check on us”.

12. Myself and the kids are never more nervous than when we insist we can’t find something and my wife goes to look for it herself.

13. You haven’t really been patronised until a 7yo hugs you and starts patting you on the back.

14. You don’t need fun to have alcohol.

15. If you make eye contact with a child on the verge of sleep you’re f**ked.

16. My toddler’s superpower is to eat half a banana and make it disappear

17. I miss the days of skipping pages when readinga story to my kids.

18. ‘Who’s poo is this?’ is something I say now.

19. My wife calls it yelling. I call it motivational speaking.

20. The grass is often greener because it’s fake.

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tks
DD

Digital Dad: Is Daddy Pig tarnishing ‘brand Dad’?

Dad of three, husband of one. master of none. All opinions are my own unless my wife tells me otherwise

So, for the third time in as many bank holiday weekends I found myself at home with my three boys – Thing 1, Thing 2 and Thing 3 – while my wife was away. There was a time when the thought of this would have filled me with dread but as I’ve fine-tuned my parenting skills I tend to look forward to it now (her being away that is!).

Yes, I could easily go down the route of writing about the trials and tribulations of my four days with my boys but I’ve done that before so instead I’m going to focus on the reaction that I – and I’m sure many dads like me – receive when one hears that I’m minding the kids for a number of days. There’s usually a snigger, a laugh, a pat on the back or a mock prayer to wish me well.

These, of course, are all in jest and if you know me or follow me on Facebook you’ll know that I like a laugh

BUT I can’t help thinking that in a society where typically stay-at-home parents tend to be mums, is there a deep-rooted feeling that dads aren’t ‘really’ capable of looking after their kids as well as mums?

Don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t want to be a stay-at-home dad. It’s just not for me. A few months back I saluted the stay-at-home/single parentbecause more often than not it’s a thankless, stressful job, so I absolutely take my digital hat off to anybody that does fulfill that role whether by choice or circumstance.

This doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t be able to do it though. Or that I wouldn’t be bloody good at it either. I would. And I say that not with arrogance but with utter confidence.

Gone for the most part are what I call the ‘Shirley Valentine’ days where the ‘man’ goes out to work and comes home to a glistening house, a steak meal and a few cans in the fridge.

Granted, some people still live this way and if it works for everybody involved then fair play. I’m not one to judge. It’s just not how I and Mrs. DD live. As both working parents we tend to come home and divide up the tasks (cooking, feeding, washing, wiping, playing, homework, laundry etc) as evenly as we can…..granted I’m more the wiper than the chef.

I just think in this day and age, dads probably still aren’t given the credit that they deserve when it comes to raising their kids. Or rather, people don’t have the belief that dads can do a great job (or as good a job as mum) raising their kids.

Certainly, cartoons like Peppa Pig, where Daddy Pig is the stereotypical family buffoon or likewise Homer Simpson or Fred Flintstone, don’t exactly help matters.

And before anyone mentions it, I’m aware that I usually take the tongue-in-cheek approach when writing about parenting but I can assure you that I do this consciously because, well, that’s my personality and I only ever write about things that I’ve experienced/observed as a dad hence I like to think I know what I’m talking about.

Anyway, I’m sure I could go on and on about this but I’m more interested in getting your thoughts on it. So, if I’ve managed to hold your attention thus far, let me know how you think dads/men are perceived in the parenting sphere regardless of whether you’re a brilliant mum or a brilliant dad.

Thanks

DD

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My Homemade Haircut Disaster

Dad of three, husband of one. master of none. All opinions are my own unless my wife tells me otherwise

Thing 2 will be four in October and to look at him you’d think he came off the set of Point Break (think Bodhi). He has a blond curly mop of unkempt hair – unlike me but very much like our postman – that can at times obscure his vision but damn he’s a cutie.

Lately, however, we began to feel like the lack of grooming might be cruel as the constant brushing of his fringe away from his eyes made him look like he was constantly saluting us. I would always salute back.

I had planned to take him to my barber aka. the ten minute €10 haircut which has served me well for many a year – “short back and sides and leave the Jedward fringe please”. Our five-year-old now goes there too and like me, he’s in and out in a jiffy.

Thing 2, however, is a different beast. He’s more stubborn. He’s crankier. He’s more of a live wire. He’s Bodhi, a law into himself. As he gets older I’m hopeful sure he’ll mellow but to bring him to the barber would be a stretch too far for this cowardly dad…I just didn’t need the hassle or the stress.

I had promised my darling wife that I wouldn’t give him a home cut but while the cat’s away, or rather at a yoga class, I decided to get the scissors out and strategically sheer him.

I had only ever done a home cut once before and although Thing 1 did end up looking like a Benedictine Monk I was convinced that I could do a better job with a lighter wavier head of hair. I was wrong.

A few snips here and a few snips there and everything seemed to be going swimmingly. In between chats about Paw Patrol and Mike the Knight we also played ‘I Spy’ until my ‘I Spy’ challenge resulted in Thing 2 shouting “the floor” and rapidly moving his head downwards.

Now while he got the answer right (“I Spy with my little eye something we stand on”) he also managed to lose half his fringe…the vertical half. I gasped. Half a floppy fringe and half a spiky scalpy fringe…no comb-over in the world was going to fix this atrocity. Bodhi was now long gone. What sat in front of me could only be described as a cross between Donald Trump and Flock of Seagulls.

As my adrenaline kicked in and Trump Seagull stared up at me I started to panic. Fine, the hair would grow back but my wife was going to be home soon so I was unclear what was in store for me.

It took a few days before we could make proper eye contact with Trump Seagull without cringing (thank god I collect trucker caps) and another few days for me to acknowledge that my sheering days were over.

My claims that it would have been easier if we had had a girl because it would be a simpler straighter cut (I was talking pure sh**e), fell on deaf ears.

To non-parents, this may not sound like a big ordeal and in the grand scheme of things it isn’t. The thing about cutting your child’s hair is the first unbearable ‘half fringed’ glimpse of them as a non-baby. We had waited 3 years and now he was a no longer our helpless little dude.

He has been shorn – had you seen him you might even say ‘branded’ – he is more grown up, more expressive, still cute but less cuddly. He is more Wall Street than Sesame Street.

I haven’t touched a pair of scissors since but we do have another son so third time lucky, who knows? In the meantime however the full salute has been reduced to a half salute and I continue to pray for the welcome return of Bodhi.

DD

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Digital Dad: Things I Learned As A Parent Last Month

Dad of three. Husband of one. Master of None. All opinions are my own unless my wife tells me otherwise. 

From Happy Meals and Olympic events to Febreze and ‘bags within bags’, here are a few parental learnings from the past month.

1. As far as my kids know, Happy Meals come with 5 nuggets.

2. There’s nothing like going out for lunch with your kids to remind you never to go out for lunch with your kids.

3.  Anyone who says that seeing their child enter the world was the ‘best moment of their life’ has clearly never had two bars of chocolate fall at once from a vending machine.

4.

1st baby: “Can he have this?

“Hmm let me check the salt and sugar content. Is it organic?

2nd baby: “Can he have this?”

“OK but just a little bit”

3rd baby: “Can he have this?”

“Yes he can have anything as long as it’s not alcohol or drugs.

5. It’s not that I hide in the bathroom per se, it’s just that I sit down and if nobody needs me I stay there.

6. If there is ever an Olympic event for kids who use a new cup every time they want a drink of water my kids would win gold.

7. The longer you’re a parent, the harder it is to get excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.

8.

“They’re just at a really difficult age right now”

Translation:

*They’re little sh**s and they’ve been like this now for years. I just don’t want to admit it.*

9. Have kids if you enjoy slipping on ham, using a chisel to remove Weetabix and waiting four hours for them to zip up a coat.

10. If kids are required to do homework it should be practical stuff like cleaning their room, helping their parents to cook, learning to tie shoelaces etc.

11. My 4yo struggles to find shoes that are in front of him, but he can spot a sliver of onion in a bowl of rice from 10 foot away.

12. I wish I loved something as much as my toddler loves touching his privates. Oh, actually…

13. One of the hardest parts about doing laundry is resisting the urge to feck it all in the bin.

14. One of the hardest parts about parenting is resisting the urge to punch them in the face. (Joke, obviously).

15. You’re never more needed and more ignored than you are as a parent.

16. If they’re old enough to critique what you make them for lunch they’re old enough to make it themselves.

17. Febreze is the only fragrance I use these days.

18. My 4yo told me yesterday that I ruined his entire life which definitely makes him his mother’s son.

19.

4yo: “Dad, when will I be a grown up?”

Me: “When you have a drawer full of grocery bags within grocery bags and a bag full of new and used batteries”

6yo: “Huh?”

20. Putting post-party kids to bed is fun if you have two and a half hours to kill.

21. 65% of parenting is feeling guilty about throwing away school work.

22. 5% of parenting is finding ways to throw away said schoolwork without your kids finding it.

23.

6yo: “Dad, can we go to Burger King?”

Me: “Maybe at the weekend but only if you can spell it for me”

6yo: “Ok….Actually let’s go to KFC instead”.

24. I banned my kids from screen time yesterday so that we could all have a miserable day. It worked.

25. Pre-kids: “Oh hi. Come on in”.

Post-kids: “Oh hi. Come on in. Please excuse the mess and ignore the smell”.

26.. If I had a euro for every time my 4yo (and my wife) didn’t listen to me I could buy a lot of wine. *

DD

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*Drink responsibly

THINGS I LEARNED AS A PARENT LAST YEAR (Part 1)

*a selection of some of my random thoughts on being a dad to 3 boys*

1. Being a dad has thought me that you don’t need fun to have alcohol. very important lesson.

2. Three boys. Well I’ll tell ya one thing, farms don’t smell as bad as they used to.

3. Raising a toddler in particular is similar to being a dog. You’re continually sniffing an arse

4. If you think your kids will go to bed earlier and easier just because they didn’t nap, I can recommend the following book – ‘Parenting For Dummies’.

5. First child – healthy, organic, sugarless everything.
Third child – “Just pick it up and eat it” [as the microwave burrito falls on floor].

6. It’s getting harder to figure out a way to play with my kids without actually moving.

7. If you’ve never had a stalker experience just put a 1yo in a walker. #TheStalkerInTheWalker

8. It doesn’t matter how many degrees you have, trying to count out the correct amount of formula scoops is a head f*ck particularly if someones talking/screaming/sh*tting in the background.

9. The new title of my imaginary parenting book will be ‘Never mind, i’ll do it myself’.

10. If you slack off enough kids become very self sufficient, very fast.

11. Therefore teach your kid from an early age just how comfortable the couch is so that they aren’t constantly asking you to do stuff.

12. That said, no good ever comes from a toddler sitting naked on a couch.

13. Lads, always go big on Mother’s Day…I learned the hard way (the fact that she’s not actually your mother didn’t seem to matter).

14. If something looks like poo, feels like poo and smells like poo, it’s poo.

15. Pro Tip: Continually emphasising the need to keep your kid on a strict schedule makes it easier to say no to crappy things you’ve been invited to.

16. The smell of a bad nappy can linger in your house longer than your In-laws. I love them really (the in-laws that is).

17. When remarking that ‘they’ve gone down well tonight’ it’s always best to check that the monitor is on first.

18. Potty training and bubble baths should never be mixed – all will look lovely on the surface but what lies beneath can be the stuff of nightmares.

19. The day before you bring your kid to their first swimming class, put a little pee in their bath so that they are used to it.

20. Pro Tip: Have your partner leave you a voicemail of the baby screaming. Save it and play it to people when you need to get out of something.

21. If your buggy doesn’t have a cup holder, get one. Believe me, It’s easier to play Jenga on a bus than it is to steer a buggy with one hand.

22. Assuming they’re fit and able to pitch in, accept every bit of help on offer from granny and granddad, Their philosophical advice will be brilliant. Their medical advice not so much!

23. I’m noticing more and more that most of my sentences tend to start off strong and then trail off into sighs as my kids ignore me.

24. Planning our wedding was easier than planning dinner that everyone will eat.

25. It turns out that if you wait long enough to make dinner everyone will just eat cereal.

26. Hell hath no fury than a toddler who wants to peel a banana himself.

27. Hell hath no fury than a dad who has to clean up a squashed banana

28. Saying ‘see you in the morning’ as I tuck my kids into bed is pointless.

29. It’s possible to destroy a house with a granola bar.

30. It’s also possible to destroy a house with a rice cake.

31. The loudest sound in the world is my 4 year old shouting ‘Dad, I have to do a poo’ followed by “Dad can you wipe my bum”.

32. If you have Ready Brek on your crotch there’s a good chance nobody will sit beside you on the bus/train.

33. The trick to cleaning Weetbix off the floor is not to leave it for more than 8 seconds.

34. I wish my wallet refilled as quickly as our laundry basket.

35. It’s near impossible to not open your own mouth every time you try to feed a baby.

DD.

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Part 2 tmrw (unless you’re sick of reading this stuff – just let me know)

Digital Dad: My Attempt to Lose the Dad Bod.

The Dad Bod. What is it? Well when you wake up and realise that you can’t see your feet anymore and that your breasts are bigger than hers, it’s most likely that you have one.

For the past number of months I’d been blaming numerous dry cleaners for ‘shrinking’ my suits and I’d been setting the washing machine to low heat because well why else would my shirts not be fitting me anymore? My wife too had been indicating that I’d be able to breastfeed Thing 3 soon enough and when the sports bra she leant me broke I started to get the hint.

The Dad Bod,  when you wake up and realise that you can’t see your feet anymore and that your breasts are bigger than hers, it’s most likely that you have one.

Granted, before Things 1, 2 & 3 arrived, I was no male model (I’m more female model now) but to a certain extent I did manage to stave off the visual signs of ageing and gravity. Now however I have what you might call a Dad Bod.

It’s basically my old body but it doesn’t fit into my clothes anymore and it’s always best kept covered up…

Some people will argue that has always been the case, but we’ll ignore that and swiftly move on.

My wife too had been indicating that I’d be able to breastfeed Thing 3 soon enough and when the sports bra she leant me broke I started to get the hint.

So the Dad Bod, this was a problem because I had been invited to my cousin’s wedding (Hi Sophie & Ed), which was one week away and the only black suit I had had obviously ‘shrunk’.

Without the time and/or patience to hit the gym I decided then and there that I’d embark on my first diet of the non Cadbury variety (farewell for now, my milky chocolatey dunky friend). It was the weekend – how hard could it be?

It’s basically my old body but it doesn’t fit into my clothes anymore and it’s always best kept covered up

I got up the next day, got the kids fed and joined them by pouring myself a bowl of All-Bran (yes it still exists). By the fourth spoonful every last ounce of moisture had been sponged from my mouth.

I felt like I was doing the 60 second Cream Cracker challenge. I was half tempted to give Bear Grylls a call but that would have been stupid as I don’t have his number.

Poor Thing 1 looked at me with a somewhat worried expression. He passed me some of his orange juice, but I refused. In for a penny, in for a pound and all that.

For lunch I had a salad. For dinner I had a salad. For my nightly tea dunk I had carrot sticks. By 8am the next morning, wifey, and all the kids had locked themselves in the kitchen while I banged on the door with a rice cake begging for a fry. I threatened to eat ‘Bunny and Neem’ but not even the shrieks of horror from Thing 1 & 2 were enough to open the door.

I felt like I was doing the 60 second Cream Cracker challenge.

But I persisted. Mainly because as I passed our hall mirror I looked at my reflection and what stared back at me was something that resembled ‘Sloth’ from The Goonies.  ‘Youuu guuuys’, I roared and made my way back to All-Bran hell.

Somehow I made it through the next few hours and by 5pm this grumpy fatty was ready to sell the kids for kebabs.

I stood on the scales, watched as the digital reader flickered for a few seconds (a dodgy battery obviously) and waited with bated breath. 3lbs lost, yahoo, 3-whole-lbs in 36 hours. Unbelievable.

Then as my fat brain kicked in I questioned it.

Guess it was unbelievable – that bloody battery. The reader was so dim that I didn’t see the decimal point. It was actually .3lbs lost, yahoo, .3lbs. Result. No better way to celebrate than by tucking into a Buttered Chicken and reuniting with some of my Cadbury friends…..Belt off and lounge pants to the ready.

The wedding was great.

DD

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Digital Dad: A Tip Of The Cap To Single Parents

The phone rang and like a bat out of hell she was gone.  As I watched the smoking tires fade into the distance I turned around and looked at my kids. One had two straws up his nose, one was munching on his foot and the other was picking out a now wet toilet roll that had fallen into the bowl…It was going to be a long, long weekend.

My gorgeous darling wife was heading abroad for four days with her friends and had been planning this well deserved trip for quite some time.

I was genuinely happy and excited for her but two weeks ago my safety net was pulled from underneath me when I found out that my parents and my in-laws wouldn’t be around for the weekend either. I was up nappy creek without a wipe, so to speak.

Like a bat out of hell she was gone.

We have three boys under six – five, three and 10 months – and although I’ve had the pleasure of spending time with them (aka parenting) on my own for a couple of days/nights before, this was going to be a different challenge. I won’t lie. I wasn’t looking forward to it.

And I know it’s parenting, I’m not disputing that or trying to wriggle away from any responsibilities but it’s tough for anyone to mind three kids without a break for a prolonged period of time.

Single parents, I salute you.

The prospect of feeding, changing, cleaning, cooking, playing, entertaining, nursing and ultimately refereeing for four full days probably isn’t something that anyone would look forward to. But hey, as I said that’s parenting for you.

I’ve had it relatively easy up until now, especially the past 10 months while my wife has been on maternity leave. Work has been my escape, my break if you will, from the monotony of day to day parenting so I haven’t had to do the ‘take for granted’ chores of cooking, cleaning, laundry et all.

I was up nappy creek without a wipe

Anyway, I embraced the weekend with all the gusto I had. Between a junior infant’s sports day, swimming lessons (Tip: don’t forget to remove the blue overshoes before you go shopping), GAA nursery, a pet shop visit and some pre-camping accessory shopping for this coming weekend’s ‘Camp Friends’ reunion we had enough to keep us busy.

The jewel in the crown, however, was the trampoline I bought which I was hoping would keep them occupied for most of the weekend…thankfully it did.

And it was the trampoline; or rather the assembling of same that highlighted just how important it is to spend quality time with your kids. After putting them up to bed on Friday night I proceeded to assemble said trampoline only for Thing 1, our five-year-old, to come back downstairs because ‘he wasn’t tired’.

He volunteered to help me ‘read’ the instructions and for the next two hours, I did a one hour job.

Realising after some time that he wasn’t really helping me or that I didn’t need his help he got upset and it was in that moment I realised that for him this was a ‘I’ll show daddy what a big boy I am’ bonding moment.

I was too distracted with reaching the end goal to cop it, but thankfully I had enough smarts to get him to help me put the final spring on the trampoline so that he could finish the job.

It ended well and I made a big thing of him staying up late and helping me. He was proud of himself.

I also promised myself to never let anything distract me from those fleeting bonding moments again.

They are precious and by god kids grow up so quickly.

It was being on my own with them that I got to appreciate just how lovely my kids are. They adapted to my style of parenting. I let them wear odd socks because that’s ok. I let Thing 2 pour milk into his dinner – on the proviso that he eats/drinks it all – because he’s quirky like that.

I let them sleep in their t-shirt and shorts because they didn’t want to waste time getting dressed in the morning…trampolining was more important.

Granted this wouldn’t be the norm if I was a stay at home dad.

My methods would change and evolve but even still, I realised after just four days that a stay at home parent is not the life for me.

It’s not that it’s a hard job per say, and it’s not easy either, it’s just relentless.

Even the small things like hanging pictures, changing bulbs, mowing the lawn, shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, tidying up, become big tasks over time. It’s just nonstop.

I had the cushion and comfort of knowing that my wife would be coming home but if I didn’t I’m not sure how I’d feel. I have a new found appreciation and respect for my wife and stay at home parents but more importantly for single parents who do this day in day out while also trying to hold down a job. After looking after everybody else, it’s the lack of that precious ‘you time’ that really stood out for me. If that’s you, I salute you.

As I said at the start of this piece, my wife deserves a mini holiday with the girls. I’ll deserve it too when my time comes. All parents deserve it. Everybody needs a break whether it’s on their own, with friends or as a couple. Life is short. It’s to be enjoyed not suffered and certainly, that’s how we as a family live it.

That said, I was dreading the weekend. Some of my mates were in the same boat so being the nerds that we are we set up a ‘Single Dads’ WhatsApp group and exchanged war stories.

One of the lads even pretended that he’d allowed his kids to stay up and watch the Champions League Final even though we all know that he’d simply failed to get them down to bed that night.

Anyway being a glutton for punishment I decided to invite the lads and their kids over for a ‘Trampoline BBQ’. In for a penny, in for a pound and all that. Nine kids and three adults later there we all were happily soaking up the sun heaping self praise on each other while the trampoline did all the work.

We thought we were great. It was only four days but ignorance is bliss.

One thing we all acknowledged though was how tough a job it is as a stay at home parent and how much tougher it must be to raise kids on your own – whether by choice or not. It’s all consuming, it’s relentless and it’s often thankless and we only needed a few days over a long weekend to experience this.

We couldn’t fathom what it must be like if you have to hold down a job on top of all of that.

So as the title of this piece suggests, I salute and tip my hat to all the hard working single parents out there.

Best,

DD

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Fathers Know Best – Epic Dad Fails

Becoming a father doesn’t always mean growing up, hence It’s often acknowledged that leaving dad at home alone with the kids is just asking for trouble!

In advance of Father’s Day, check out some of these images and videos from the web that prove an unsupervised dad plus a bunch of small children can often result in some terrible yet funny ideas.

1. While Mums Away

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2. Snowball Fight

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3. My Little Kiwi

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4. A Birthday Surprise

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5. Road Rage

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6. First photo, first injury

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7. Bum deal

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8. Sit up

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9. Parenting 101

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10. Believe me, that’s gotta hurt

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11. Pass The Parcel

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12. The Ghostbuster

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13. Say Ahhhh

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14. Tractor Time

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15. Plunged

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16. Dad Goals

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17. Multitasking

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18. Slideaway

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19. Trolley Baby

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20. First flight

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21. Bubble Baby

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22. Sports Dad

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 23. Target Practice

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24. A Father’s Day car-d

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Check out some of these funny Dad Fail videos. 

Happy Father’s Day.

DD

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Dear Dad: A Message From My 6-Month Old: Part 1

Dear Big Person,

You’re the first dad I’ve ever had and so far you seem to be OK at it. That said I’ve nothing to compare you against so if it’s not too much trouble I’d appreciate if you could take the time to read some of my bugbears below….they’d make my life a whole lot better.

1. Please brush your teeth before kissing me in the morning. It smells worse than my nappy.

2. Don’t be a lazy toad, put the nappy cream on me every time. We’ll see how you like it in your old age.

3. Eh, you can quit with the airplane feeding game. It’s well run its course. Just feed me and shut up.

4. And if I don’t like the food, I don’t like the food. Get over it.

5. I hope the wheels on the bus fall off so you can stop singing that annoying song.

6. Can you do me a favour and quit putting your thumb in your mouth and then wiping my face with it. It stinks. Have ever wondered why I keep throwing my soother out of the cot? Karma sucks baby. Pardon the pun.

7. Can you tell the other two small people to wipe their noses before they decide to kiss, cuddle and ultimately gunge me. Or better yet, do it for them. Cheers.

8. I kind of like my toes, especially putting them in my mouth from time to time so if my shoes no longer fit, they no longer fit. Square peg, round hole. Alright?

9. By the way, it’s your own fault if you keep throwing me up in the air after I’ve just eaten.

10. If you don’t like my ‘nappy nuggets’ falling onto the ground then refrain from chasing the other two small people around house with the nappy. That’s fear in their voices, not laughter.

11. If you insist on moaning every time water sprays out of my ‘wiggly thing’ then stop chatting to me and making stupid noises while you’re changing me. Duh.

12. Can you tell the older woman in the tablet to stop singing songs every time she sees me? You don’t see me crying before she starts do you?

13. Listen I know we don’t live in subtropical climate but we’re not in the North Pole either so do me a favour and relax with the number of layers you put on me…especially given that you insist on further wrapping me in blankets when we go out. That redness on my face is heat not constipation.

14. The vibration on my chair has an off button so can you please use it every now and again? It’s nice to enjoy a ’melty puff’ in peace without trying to guess which way my hand will move.

15. While you’re at it, relax with the nappy straps; they don’t need to be that tight.

16. Listen if you insist on so much tummy time, I’ll have to insist on face-planting to make you stop. Agreed?

17. Do you have any idea how boring it is sitting with my back to you and staring at the food-stained seat while we drive? When can you turn me around? Also, there’s a whiff of urine off the seat, did the two small people have it before me?

18. And do you really have to turn on that mobile above my cot every time? Really? It’s doing my head in and the tunes are so 3-months-old.

19. Just a heads up that Granddad 1 doesn’t know how to hold me properly. I think we’re both scared when he picks me up.

20. Oh and by the way, Mummy spilled the drink on the new couch, not Thing 2. I notice that she tells you stuff like that a lot.

Thanks, Thing 3

Ps. Do the above and I’ll continue to let you use me as a scapegoat for your flatulence.

A Message From My 6-Month Old: Part 2

My Camp Friends

Bags packed and off we went….

So apart from last week’s Lego River incident, I deemed the backyard camping experience a success so I decided to bite the bullet and expose Thing 1 & Thing 2 to the harsh realities of ‘proper’ outdoor camping – a campsite with running water, toilets, showers, electricity, an onsite restaurant, a shop, a playground and a football pitch….I wasn’t sure how we’d survive.

The promise of camping was with the proviso that it wouldn’t be raining on Saturday and that the boys would be good all week – a useful ‘threat’ that I used all week to get them to bed on time.

Needless to say on Friday night their excitement was palpable and some 45 minutes after putting the boys down I heard what sounded like two Chipmunks giggling upstairs. I walked into their room half expecting to see flying underpants or fists but found them sitting like two bold altar boys, wishing and praying for dry weather, holding their respective soft toys, Bunny and Neem. The latter a toy sheep bought in Sneem last summer after ‘Chubby Bunny’ had escaped the buggy, only to be found later that day being dry-humped by a local dog on the Sneem to Catherdaniel road. Thing 2 hasn’t looked at dogs quite the same way since.

I almost melted. I knew we’d be going but I also knew that I’d be up at ‘Santa O’Clock’ in the morning at this rate.

We set off, packed to the rafters like the Beverly Hillbillies – tent (too small), duvets (bad choice), sweets, marshmallows, sweets, marshmallows, sweets, marshm… – headed for Wexford. The journey would only last one and a half hours but the steady mix of infant songs (Five little speckled frogs sat on a speckled log….Miss Molly had a doily that was sick, sick, sick) interrupted by the steady flow of ‘Are-we-there-yets?’  had me nearly breaking the speed limit.

I had begged invited some of my friends to come along with us and much to my surprise 6 of the ’lads’ accompanied by their eldest kids (13 in total) duly obliged. It was turning into a mini EP-n (Every Parent’s Nightmare)!

We arrived at Curracloe Campsite (excellent choice and well well worth the visit folks) and set up camp. The weather was fantastic (no risk of snow) and all of the kids had a great time interacting and playing together. I had brought a fire pit with us and after the sun had set, the marshmallows came out and we toasted and toasted and toasted to our heart’s content. The kids were in heaven but getting them down proved to be hell.

The trip wasn’t all about the kids however. As most parents will know, it’s often difficult to maintain an active social life what with the stresses and strains that come with raising kids, not to mention everyday life. In our house, we try to live by the ideology that the kids will adapt to our lifestyle and not the other way around (within reason of course) and so as parents we make a concerted effort to meet up with friends and go out as often as we can.

This trip was just that, 7 lads getting away to spend time with their kids while enjoying the banter with each other. It was great and something that we said we would do again next year with our respective partners and the other kids that were just a bit too young this time around.

Since I became a parent 5 years ago, time just seems to be zipping by so I’m more conscious than ever to enjoy every minute both with my family and my friends (I can almost hear your collective vomiting aww’s from here)

It wasn’t all plain sailing unfortunately. I made one epic mistake over the weekend. I came home to my eternally shattered wife – who is breastfeeding Thing 3 – only to ask her ‘how her weekend off was’. This did not go down well. I tried to blame my stupidity on marshmallow intoxication and smoke inhalation but while I stood there digging a large hole with a large shovel the first nappy hit my face….

DD

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