Dad of 3. Husband of 1. Master of none. All opinions are my own unless my wife tells me otherwise.
I often hear people telling new parents that the ‘newborn stage’ is the hardest but I don’t agree. Newborns are the best. They’re essentially little slugs. They don’t move, they just sit there doing nothing except sh!tting in their pants. Toddlers on the other hand are the devil. You’ve to run after them everywhere. They’ve no morals and they sh!t on your floor.
You’re welcome.
DD
Catch me on http://www.facebook.com/digitaldaddiary
1. Last weekend I made slime for the first time.
2. Last weekend I made slime for the last time.
3. You know you’re a parent when you start whispering “for fuck’s sake” every time someone calls your name.
4. I say “I don’t know” a lot when I do in fact ‘know’ a lot.
5. If at first you don’t succeed, take a deep breath and ask them another 249 times.
6. Your spouse won’t start an argument with you if you’re cleaning.
7. I’m now at the stage where I’m getting up at the time I used to go to bed at on weekends.
8. It’s easier to play Jenga on a bus than it is to push a buggy with one hand.
9. Before remarking “he’s gone down well tonight” always check that the baby monitor is turned on.
10. We teach our kids not to lie but then 30 seconds later we tell them their picture is great
11. If you yell “what are you up to?” and your children say “nothing” that’s code for “you better get off your fat a** and check on us”.
12. Myself and the kids are never more nervous than when we insist we can’t find something and my wife goes to look for it herself.
13. You haven’t really been patronised until a 7yo hugs you and starts patting you on the back.
14. You don’t need fun to have alcohol.
15. If you make eye contact with a child on the verge of sleep you’re f**ked.
16. My toddler’s superpower is to eat half a banana and make it disappear
17. I miss the days of skipping pages when readinga story to my kids.
18. ‘Who’s poo is this?’ is something I say now.
19. My wife calls it yelling. I call it motivational speaking.
20. The grass is often greener because it’s fake.
Like and Share to show you care.
tks
DD
The truth is, everybody lies. Toddlers, teenagers and adults – we all lie. Think about it, you even lie to your own kids you know you do. If you say you don’t, you’re lying!
We lie to our children for a multitude of reasons; we want to protect them, or we don’t always know the right answer, or we’re just lazy or we’re just having some fun. The latter backfired on me recently.
Obviously, there’s a difference between little white lies and lying to kids specifically to hurt them. The former is the result of taking care of the small people we love but who inevitably drive you to your breaking point and threaten to send you over the edge. [The latter, we don’t even go there.]
So, with that mind, here are some common lies Reddit and Pinterest users have heard parents tell their kids. Feel free to add your own in the comments section.
1.“The ice cream van only plays music when he runs out of ice cream.”
2. “My dad told me the rumble strips on the highway were for blind drivers.”
3. “Your mom and I were just…em, wrestling.”
4. “If you don’t behave in the drive-thru you’ll get a Sad Meal.”
5. “Smoke detectors are actually Santa-cams.”
6. “My dad told me people only get 10,000 words per month. If you reach the limit, you can’t physically speak until the new month begins. Anytime I was especially talkative, dad would say, ‘Careful, you’re over 9,000 by now.'”
7. “If you pee in a pool, there’s a special dye that will turn it red so that everybody knows.”
8. “If you lie a red dot appears on your forehead that only parents can see. It only goes away when you tell the truth.”
9. “They don’t sell replacement batteries for that toy.”
10. “When I was a kid my parents warned me that if I pressed the ‘reset’ button on the power outlet the house would explode.”
11. “You’ll have to drive a little Smart car if you don’t eat your vegetables because you’ll be too little for a big car.”
12. “We’re not French so we can’t eat the French Fries in McDonalds.”
13. “The tooth fairy won’t come if your room is messy.”
14. “If I didn’t sit still during a haircut, the barber would cut my ear off. The worst part was that the barber would play along.”
15. “We have to leave the zoo now. The zookeeper called my cellphone and your crying is upsetting the animals.”
16. “We’re going to bed now, too.”
17. “I’m leaving without you.”
18. “When I was little my Dad told me that toys grew under the weeds in the yard and if I pulled them, eventually a toy would pop out. And I believed it for a long time…”
19. “The car won’t start unless everyone is buckled in.”
20. “We’re almost there.”
21. “I want to carry you but the doctor said your legs would stop growing if you didn’t walk.”
22. “Our fish went to live with their friends in the ocean.”
23. “My father always said the animals on the side of the road were just taking a nap because the road was warm.”
24. “My son was 8 before he knew that football games on school nights had a second half. I always sent him to bed at halftime.”
25. “When we go on a road trip I’m going to tell my kids, ‘If you go to sleep, we’ll take the shortcut.'”
26. “We got our daughter to eat fish by calling it ‘Argentinian Chicken’. That worked for a long time until grandma came along and messed it up.”
27. “Parents used to tell my only brother and I that we used to have another brother who turned into a mushroom from not taking a bath. Even added him to the family albums.”
28. “My dad said if I could look after a special growing rock, and watered it each day until it stopped growing I could get a dog. I’d water it and every week, while I was at school he’d replace it with a slightly bigger rock.”
29. “The funniest one I heard was a father who was asked about coconuts in a store by his son. He said: ‘Don’t go near those son…those are bear eggs…'”
30. “That drawing is fantastic.”
31. “I’ve got eyes on the back of my head.”
32. “We’ll come back later and buy it.”
33. “If you have the lights on in the car at night, the police will pull us over.”
34. “If you don’t wipe your bum properly, it’ll close up and you’ll have to spit out your poop.”
35. “My dad told me oil stains on the street were little kids that got run over because they didn’t hold anyone’s hand while crossing the street.”
36. “To keep my sister and I busy my mom would tell us if we could kiss our elbow we would turn into the opposite sex..”
37. “Burger King is for royalty.”
Have you any funny lies that you were told when you were young? Do you tell lies to your kids? Comment below.
DD
Facebook | Instagram | Twitter | e: digitaldaddiary@gmail.com
Dad of three. Husband of one. Master of None. All opinions are my own unless my wife tells me otherwise.
From Happy Meals and Olympic events to Febreze and ‘bags within bags’, here are a few parental learnings from the past month.
1. As far as my kids know, Happy Meals come with 5 nuggets.
2. There’s nothing like going out for lunch with your kids to remind you never to go out for lunch with your kids.
3. Anyone who says that seeing their child enter the world was the ‘best moment of their life’ has clearly never had two bars of chocolate fall at once from a vending machine.
4.
1st baby: “Can he have this?
“Hmm let me check the salt and sugar content. Is it organic?
2nd baby: “Can he have this?”
“OK but just a little bit”
3rd baby: “Can he have this?”
“Yes he can have anything as long as it’s not alcohol or drugs.
5. It’s not that I hide in the bathroom per se, it’s just that I sit down and if nobody needs me I stay there.
6. If there is ever an Olympic event for kids who use a new cup every time they want a drink of water my kids would win gold.
7. The longer you’re a parent, the harder it is to get excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
8.
“They’re just at a really difficult age right now”
Translation:
*They’re little sh**s and they’ve been like this now for years. I just don’t want to admit it.*
9. Have kids if you enjoy slipping on ham, using a chisel to remove Weetabix and waiting four hours for them to zip up a coat.
10. If kids are required to do homework it should be practical stuff like cleaning their room, helping their parents to cook, learning to tie shoelaces etc.
11. My 4yo struggles to find shoes that are in front of him, but he can spot a sliver of onion in a bowl of rice from 10 foot away.
12. I wish I loved something as much as my toddler loves touching his privates. Oh, actually…
13. One of the hardest parts about doing laundry is resisting the urge to feck it all in the bin.
14. One of the hardest parts about parenting is resisting the urge to punch them in the face. (Joke, obviously).
15. You’re never more needed and more ignored than you are as a parent.
16. If they’re old enough to critique what you make them for lunch they’re old enough to make it themselves.
17. Febreze is the only fragrance I use these days.
18. My 4yo told me yesterday that I ruined his entire life which definitely makes him his mother’s son.
19.
4yo: “Dad, when will I be a grown up?”
Me: “When you have a drawer full of grocery bags within grocery bags and a bag full of new and used batteries”
6yo: “Huh?”
20. Putting post-party kids to bed is fun if you have two and a half hours to kill.
21. 65% of parenting is feeling guilty about throwing away school work.
22. 5% of parenting is finding ways to throw away said schoolwork without your kids finding it.
23.
6yo: “Dad, can we go to Burger King?”
Me: “Maybe at the weekend but only if you can spell it for me”
6yo: “Ok….Actually let’s go to KFC instead”.
24. I banned my kids from screen time yesterday so that we could all have a miserable day. It worked.
25. Pre-kids: “Oh hi. Come on in”.
Post-kids: “Oh hi. Come on in. Please excuse the mess and ignore the smell”.
26.. If I had a euro for every time my 4yo (and my wife) didn’t listen to me I could buy a lot of wine. *
DD
Find me on Facebook | Twitter | Instagram
Here are a few random tips you should know before having kids (or having more kids):
DD
*a selection of some of my random thoughts on being a dad to 3 boys*
1. Being a dad has thought me that you don’t need fun to have alcohol. very important lesson.
2. Three boys. Well I’ll tell ya one thing, farms don’t smell as bad as they used to.
3. Raising a toddler in particular is similar to being a dog. You’re continually sniffing an arse
4. If you think your kids will go to bed earlier and easier just because they didn’t nap, I can recommend the following book – ‘Parenting For Dummies’.
5. First child – healthy, organic, sugarless everything.
Third child – “Just pick it up and eat it” [as the microwave burrito falls on floor].
6. It’s getting harder to figure out a way to play with my kids without actually moving.
7. If you’ve never had a stalker experience just put a 1yo in a walker. #TheStalkerInTheWalker
8. It doesn’t matter how many degrees you have, trying to count out the correct amount of formula scoops is a head f*ck particularly if someones talking/screaming/sh*tting in the background.
9. The new title of my imaginary parenting book will be ‘Never mind, i’ll do it myself’.
10. If you slack off enough kids become very self sufficient, very fast.
11. Therefore teach your kid from an early age just how comfortable the couch is so that they aren’t constantly asking you to do stuff.
12. That said, no good ever comes from a toddler sitting naked on a couch.
13. Lads, always go big on Mother’s Day…I learned the hard way (the fact that she’s not actually your mother didn’t seem to matter).
14. If something looks like poo, feels like poo and smells like poo, it’s poo.
15. Pro Tip: Continually emphasising the need to keep your kid on a strict schedule makes it easier to say no to crappy things you’ve been invited to.
16. The smell of a bad nappy can linger in your house longer than your In-laws. I love them really (the in-laws that is).
17. When remarking that ‘they’ve gone down well tonight’ it’s always best to check that the monitor is on first.
18. Potty training and bubble baths should never be mixed – all will look lovely on the surface but what lies beneath can be the stuff of nightmares.
19. The day before you bring your kid to their first swimming class, put a little pee in their bath so that they are used to it.
20. Pro Tip: Have your partner leave you a voicemail of the baby screaming. Save it and play it to people when you need to get out of something.
21. If your buggy doesn’t have a cup holder, get one. Believe me, It’s easier to play Jenga on a bus than it is to steer a buggy with one hand.
22. Assuming they’re fit and able to pitch in, accept every bit of help on offer from granny and granddad, Their philosophical advice will be brilliant. Their medical advice not so much!
23. I’m noticing more and more that most of my sentences tend to start off strong and then trail off into sighs as my kids ignore me.
24. Planning our wedding was easier than planning dinner that everyone will eat.
25. It turns out that if you wait long enough to make dinner everyone will just eat cereal.
26. Hell hath no fury than a toddler who wants to peel a banana himself.
27. Hell hath no fury than a dad who has to clean up a squashed banana
28. Saying ‘see you in the morning’ as I tuck my kids into bed is pointless.
29. It’s possible to destroy a house with a granola bar.
30. It’s also possible to destroy a house with a rice cake.
31. The loudest sound in the world is my 4 year old shouting ‘Dad, I have to do a poo’ followed by “Dad can you wipe my bum”.
32. If you have Ready Brek on your crotch there’s a good chance nobody will sit beside you on the bus/train.
33. The trick to cleaning Weetbix off the floor is not to leave it for more than 8 seconds.
34. I wish my wallet refilled as quickly as our laundry basket.
35. It’s near impossible to not open your own mouth every time you try to feed a baby.
DD.
Catch me FACEBOOK | TWITTER | INSTAGRAM | (i’ve no friends)
Part 2 tmrw (unless you’re sick of reading this stuff – just let me know)
From Russian roulette to Santa bribes, here are 27 things that I learned as a parent over the past few weeks…
1.It only took two phone calls to Santa this morning to get the boys ready for school. Result.
2. Everywhere is a potential bed if you try hard enough.
3. Nobody is better at Hide-and-Seek than my wife when she hands me the kids after I walk in the door from work.
4. YAAAAY bath time.
- 10 mins of tactical negotiations to get the kids into the bath.
- 5 mins of screaming about how hot the water is (it’s not).
- 1 min of fighting about which end of the bath my 4yo & 6yo want
- 3 mins of screaming about getting shampoo in their eyes (I didn’t )
- 5 mins of laughing as all 3 do farts in the bath- 2 mins of panic while we realise that Thing 3 (our toddler) ‘sharted’ not farted
- 2 mins of ‘full monty’ dancing
- 3 mins of post evacuation chasing of Thing 1 & Thing 2 in order to get them dry and dressed.
Parenting (with clean kids). So much fun.
5. My toddler should write a book called “Why one sock is better than two”.
6. My 4yo should write a book called “Why I never wait for the sun to come up”.
7. My 6yo should write a book called “Why I want to be a Lego Master Builder”.
8. *from upstairs to downstairs*
4yo: “DAAAAD. I got poo in my hair”
Me: “That’s not possible. Go to sleep”
Turns out it is possible. #ByeByePillow
9. “Noooo I want to do it, I want to do it. I said I WANTED TO DO IT” – my 4yo’s nightmare last night, presumably about traffic light buttons.
10. If you’re ever concerned about your kid’s hearing, just open a bag of crisps from another room.
11. it’s always fun to find a mushed up banana stuffed between your ‘no longer new’ couch.
12. Conjunctivitis.com – now there’s a site for sore eyes. #DadJoke
13. Parenting Russian Roulette – Undressing a standing toddler and removing the nappy not knowing if anything will fall out or slide down. I lost
14. Asking your kids to clean up their toys while you hold a large black bin liner is EXTREMELY effective. Try it.
15. It’s slowly dawning on me that the only way I’m going to ever use a gym is if I go to prison.
16. DING DONG.
Sales Caller: “Oh…..Hello there. Is your Mummy or Daddy there?”
4yo: “No”…while slowly closing door.
Sales Caller: *puzzled look*
Me: *feeling proud (as I hide) that he executed it perfectly*
#WitchingHour #GoAway #WorstTimeToCall
17. I can’t believe I was naive enough to think “a soft play centre will never see a cent of my money”
18. School photos; because who needs money to buy groceries this week.
19. My kids have reached that stage where they blame their farts on their mum now. Is it bad that I’m somewhat proud that they’ve reached this milestone?
20. Last Saturday my 4yo son took off his shoes, top and jeans and stood in a display shower in Homebase while waving at customers.
21. Meanwhile, my 6yo dressed up in full Nerf ‘combat’ gear yesterday just to kill a bug. I swear I could hear the bug p***ing himself…laughing.
22. If you’re bored, a fun thing to do is tell your kids that it’s time for bed, and repeat it again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and….you get the picture
23. “Ugh. I’m not eating that, it’s yucky” he says about tiny bruise on banana.
The same can’t be said for a stringy snot however (as I type ‘n’ wretch)
#OurFourYearOld
24. Cleaning your house is pointless if your children are going to continue living there.
25. I thought I was a normal person until my 4yo son asked me if “I’d eat a bowl of dog poo for 3 million euro pound money”
26. Never ever lose instructions for a newly bought Lego spaceship. #SundayRuined
27. I’m thinking of setting up a ‘Nap Club’. It’ll be kinda like a book club just without the books or the talking.
Let me know if you’re interested – SIGN UP HERE
For more home truths with a sprinkling of funny follow me on Facebook
Best,
DD
The phone rang and like a bat out of hell she was gone. As I watched the smoking tires fade into the distance I turned around and looked at my kids. One had two straws up his nose, one was munching on his foot and the other was picking out a now wet toilet roll that had fallen into the bowl…It was going to be a long, long weekend.
My gorgeous darling wife was heading abroad for four days with her friends and had been planning this well deserved trip for quite some time.
I was genuinely happy and excited for her but two weeks ago my safety net was pulled from underneath me when I found out that my parents and my in-laws wouldn’t be around for the weekend either. I was up nappy creek without a wipe, so to speak.
Like a bat out of hell she was gone.
We have three boys under six – five, three and 10 months – and although I’ve had the pleasure of spending time with them (aka parenting) on my own for a couple of days/nights before, this was going to be a different challenge. I won’t lie. I wasn’t looking forward to it.
And I know it’s parenting, I’m not disputing that or trying to wriggle away from any responsibilities but it’s tough for anyone to mind three kids without a break for a prolonged period of time.
Single parents, I salute you.
The prospect of feeding, changing, cleaning, cooking, playing, entertaining, nursing and ultimately refereeing for four full days probably isn’t something that anyone would look forward to. But hey, as I said that’s parenting for you.
I’ve had it relatively easy up until now, especially the past 10 months while my wife has been on maternity leave. Work has been my escape, my break if you will, from the monotony of day to day parenting so I haven’t had to do the ‘take for granted’ chores of cooking, cleaning, laundry et all.
I was up nappy creek without a wipe
Anyway, I embraced the weekend with all the gusto I had. Between a junior infant’s sports day, swimming lessons (Tip: don’t forget to remove the blue overshoes before you go shopping), GAA nursery, a pet shop visit and some pre-camping accessory shopping for this coming weekend’s ‘Camp Friends’ reunion we had enough to keep us busy.
The jewel in the crown, however, was the trampoline I bought which I was hoping would keep them occupied for most of the weekend…thankfully it did.
And it was the trampoline; or rather the assembling of same that highlighted just how important it is to spend quality time with your kids. After putting them up to bed on Friday night I proceeded to assemble said trampoline only for Thing 1, our five-year-old, to come back downstairs because ‘he wasn’t tired’.
He volunteered to help me ‘read’ the instructions and for the next two hours, I did a one hour job.
Realising after some time that he wasn’t really helping me or that I didn’t need his help he got upset and it was in that moment I realised that for him this was a ‘I’ll show daddy what a big boy I am’ bonding moment.
I was too distracted with reaching the end goal to cop it, but thankfully I had enough smarts to get him to help me put the final spring on the trampoline so that he could finish the job.
It ended well and I made a big thing of him staying up late and helping me. He was proud of himself.
I also promised myself to never let anything distract me from those fleeting bonding moments again.
They are precious and by god kids grow up so quickly.
It was being on my own with them that I got to appreciate just how lovely my kids are. They adapted to my style of parenting. I let them wear odd socks because that’s ok. I let Thing 2 pour milk into his dinner – on the proviso that he eats/drinks it all – because he’s quirky like that.
I let them sleep in their t-shirt and shorts because they didn’t want to waste time getting dressed in the morning…trampolining was more important.
Granted this wouldn’t be the norm if I was a stay at home dad.
My methods would change and evolve but even still, I realised after just four days that a stay at home parent is not the life for me.
It’s not that it’s a hard job per say, and it’s not easy either, it’s just relentless.
Even the small things like hanging pictures, changing bulbs, mowing the lawn, shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, tidying up, become big tasks over time. It’s just nonstop.
I had the cushion and comfort of knowing that my wife would be coming home but if I didn’t I’m not sure how I’d feel. I have a new found appreciation and respect for my wife and stay at home parents but more importantly for single parents who do this day in day out while also trying to hold down a job. After looking after everybody else, it’s the lack of that precious ‘you time’ that really stood out for me. If that’s you, I salute you.
As I said at the start of this piece, my wife deserves a mini holiday with the girls. I’ll deserve it too when my time comes. All parents deserve it. Everybody needs a break whether it’s on their own, with friends or as a couple. Life is short. It’s to be enjoyed not suffered and certainly, that’s how we as a family live it.
That said, I was dreading the weekend. Some of my mates were in the same boat so being the nerds that we are we set up a ‘Single Dads’ WhatsApp group and exchanged war stories.
One of the lads even pretended that he’d allowed his kids to stay up and watch the Champions League Final even though we all know that he’d simply failed to get them down to bed that night.
Anyway being a glutton for punishment I decided to invite the lads and their kids over for a ‘Trampoline BBQ’. In for a penny, in for a pound and all that. Nine kids and three adults later there we all were happily soaking up the sun heaping self praise on each other while the trampoline did all the work.
We thought we were great. It was only four days but ignorance is bliss.
One thing we all acknowledged though was how tough a job it is as a stay at home parent and how much tougher it must be to raise kids on your own – whether by choice or not. It’s all consuming, it’s relentless and it’s often thankless and we only needed a few days over a long weekend to experience this.
We couldn’t fathom what it must be like if you have to hold down a job on top of all of that.
So as the title of this piece suggests, I salute and tip my hat to all the hard working single parents out there.
Best,
DD
Dear Big Person,
You’re the first dad I’ve ever had and so far you seem to be OK at it. That said I’ve nothing to compare you against so if it’s not too much trouble I’d appreciate if you could take the time to read some of my bugbears below….they’d make my life a whole lot better.
1. Please brush your teeth before kissing me in the morning. It smells worse than my nappy.
2. Don’t be a lazy toad, put the nappy cream on me every time. We’ll see how you like it in your old age.
3. Eh, you can quit with the airplane feeding game. It’s well run its course. Just feed me and shut up.
4. And if I don’t like the food, I don’t like the food. Get over it.
5. I hope the wheels on the bus fall off so you can stop singing that annoying song.
6. Can you do me a favour and quit putting your thumb in your mouth and then wiping my face with it. It stinks. Have ever wondered why I keep throwing my soother out of the cot? Karma sucks baby. Pardon the pun.
7. Can you tell the other two small people to wipe their noses before they decide to kiss, cuddle and ultimately gunge me. Or better yet, do it for them. Cheers.
8. I kind of like my toes, especially putting them in my mouth from time to time so if my shoes no longer fit, they no longer fit. Square peg, round hole. Alright?
9. By the way, it’s your own fault if you keep throwing me up in the air after I’ve just eaten.
10. If you don’t like my ‘nappy nuggets’ falling onto the ground then refrain from chasing the other two small people around house with the nappy. That’s fear in their voices, not laughter.
11. If you insist on moaning every time water sprays out of my ‘wiggly thing’ then stop chatting to me and making stupid noises while you’re changing me. Duh.
12. Can you tell the older woman in the tablet to stop singing songs every time she sees me? You don’t see me crying before she starts do you?
13. Listen I know we don’t live in subtropical climate but we’re not in the North Pole either so do me a favour and relax with the number of layers you put on me…especially given that you insist on further wrapping me in blankets when we go out. That redness on my face is heat not constipation.
14. The vibration on my chair has an off button so can you please use it every now and again? It’s nice to enjoy a ’melty puff’ in peace without trying to guess which way my hand will move.
15. While you’re at it, relax with the nappy straps; they don’t need to be that tight.
16. Listen if you insist on so much tummy time, I’ll have to insist on face-planting to make you stop. Agreed?
17. Do you have any idea how boring it is sitting with my back to you and staring at the food-stained seat while we drive? When can you turn me around? Also, there’s a whiff of urine off the seat, did the two small people have it before me?
18. And do you really have to turn on that mobile above my cot every time? Really? It’s doing my head in and the tunes are so 3-months-old.
19. Just a heads up that Granddad 1 doesn’t know how to hold me properly. I think we’re both scared when he picks me up.
20. Oh and by the way, Mummy spilled the drink on the new couch, not Thing 2. I notice that she tells you stuff like that a lot.
Thanks, Thing 3
Ps. Do the above and I’ll continue to let you use me as a scapegoat for your flatulence.
I was practically renting out a room in IKEA prior to Thing 1’s arrival. The amount of crap that I bought, ‘built’ and didn’t use was ridiculous (it turned out to be good firewood, though). Yes, changing tables are great, but sofas, sitting room floors and kitchen counter tops are great too and SO much more convenient. My three boys all got changed on the floor. Shock-horror.
As a general rule of thumb, the stuff that’s fun usually isn’t necessary.
Hospitals have doctors, nurses, and room service. Houses have dirty plates, dirty laundry, and an unkempt man. The longer she stays in hospital the better it is for you…..Believe me.
Things will never be the same again once baby and Mum get home. Ever…Believe me.
Some women feel guilty for not breastfeeding. Sometimes it’s just not meant to be, so support her and remind her that 1) formula is fine 2) she is fine and 3) your baby will be fine.
The downside, of course, is that you’ll be roped into nightly feeds but on the upside, you’ll have more bonding time with your kid (even though they can’t talk to you, they won’t understand you, and they’ll get sick all over you).
They’ll come thick and fast at first so accept as many offers as you can (lads, this can mean no cooking for a few weeks). People love babies and will be delighted to help you out so that you can grab a shower, take a nap, run away, cook a meal, contemplate your new life etc.
Minding a newborn is easy. Minding a 2-year-old not so much (bye bye offers). So take people up on all of their offers as they have a very short shelf life.
Otherwise, you risk a leaky nappy or an unannounced shower. I’ve learned this the wet way…more than a couple of times.
DOWN. This advice is gold-en.
There are two straps on a nappy so don’t end up with a Bungee Cord Nappy.
Okay, I understand the compulsion (usually the mothers) to stock up on multiple versions of the same thing but lads, slip that card back into the wallet/purse and put the kibosh on it now.
People will give you lots and lots of clothes. Kids grow at a Formula One pace so don’t even take the tags off clothes until you absolutely need to because it’s probable that you’ll regift some of them.
Children, like adults, will end up wearing 10% of their clothes 90% of the time. They are dressed by adults after all.
Snaps and buttons are the devil. The more you have to snap, the quicker you’ll snap particularly if you’re changing your wet, stinky baby at 4 in the morning. Go with elasticised trousers/pull-ups for the first few weeks.
You can thank me later.
Be prepared. S**t can quickly hit the fan. Backup nappies, clothes, wipes and scented nappy bags are all essential…particularly the latter unless you have a few gas masks handy.
No matter how many ‘How To Be A Parent’ videos you’ve watched on YouTube, drop the act and ask for help when you need it. Parents, relations, friends, and strangers – particularly elderly women in shops, as it turns out – will be only too happy to help you even if it is out of pure sympathy.
You’re not Superman. Sure I nearly had to call the AA the first time I tried to put our Bugaboo together.
Master your ‘yes dears’, ‘no problem love’, ‘absolutely love’, ‘you look great dear’ and most importantly ‘you are doing a great job dear’. Your job is to keep everyone sane and emotionally happy.
This is gold I’m giving you here. Gold.
It’s exhausting, it’s stressful and it’s hard but when you see how quickly your little one changes, you’ll wonder where the time went. The first few months are the easiest –bar the sleep deprivation – as you essentially have a non-moving chirping Burrito in your house.
When Thing 1 was born I didn’t know how I’d cope but five years on and three kids later, one child just seems like a doddle.
The only constant is that everything keeps changing so get used to it and enjoy each stage.
You’re welcome.
DD
Digital Dad 